Appreciation

SUNDAY:

  • Waterstones: 5 hours
  • Freelance: 1 article
  • Spent: £3.50 bus fare, £4.90 groceries
  • Applications: 0

MONDAY:

  • Spent: £10.02 postage
  • Applications: 0

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I’m in a funny frame of mind at the moment. My patience is frayed, so any perceived slight, no matter how minor and I respond with anger, a tight knot of it forming in my chest. It’s not just slights that force this reaction either: any annoyance creates the same effect, from the woman walking far too slowly down the centre of the pavement, via the guy trotting along at a pace just too fast for me to overtake but not quite at my optimum speed, to the many many browsers who pull a book off a shelf, flick through with a cursory glance, then dump it on any nearby surface, despite having left an obvious gap for it on the nearest bookshelf! I’m simply very easily annoyed!

At the same time, the smallest acts of kindness can make me cry. For example, on the bus yesterday morning I offered to give up my seat so that a pair of women who were obviously out for the day could sit together. They refused my offer, but one sat down beside me, and after a couple of minutes turned to thank me and comment on how unusual it was to encounter such good manners. Now, to thank someone for offering to put themselves out (albeit in such a minor way) is really basic etiquette, and yet I had to turn away so that she wouldn’t see the solitary tear run down my cheek. I think it was a reaction to being appreciated in some way, not by my friends and family, who show me how much they appreciate me daily in so many, generous ways, but by someone with whom I don’t have a personal relationship, someone who only sees my public front.

Essentially (and obviously) all this is related to work, who have left me feeling, not only unappreciated but somehow lacking. Like it’s only on the closest acquaintance that I prove my worth. I know it’s ridiculous to feel this way, but I have always been a slave to my emotions – and they really are a law unto themselves!

Nat commented that I was strong enough to deal with this as I had dealt with worse, and she is quite right. Friday proved my lowest day to date, yet what I suffered was not a tenth of what I felt almost two years ago now. And she made me realise the simple truth of my situation, that redundancy is not heartbreak, and that decent jobs are far easier to come by than decent husbands! 😀

********

On the subject of appreciation, I have decided that if I ever happen to bump into The Doctor I’m going to request a trip back to see Jane Austen. I have read and reread each of her novels, and am on my second Pride and Prejudice DVD (having worn out the video cassettes my Gran bought me for my 16th birthday looong ago!), and considering how much it jumps, likely to need another replacement soon!

In some ways Jane Austen led such an unhappy, lonely and stunted life, limited by her position and her gender, forced to write and publish in secret to avoid the shame and disdain of society. It pains me to think that, while she no doubt enjoyed the great success her sensation novels elicited at the time, she has no idea how many girls and women still rely on her language, her wit and her storytelling to pull them from the depths of despair (or simply the monotony of the mundane) today. I’d love her to know that, over 200 years later, we’re still as involved with her works as her readers were back then – in some cases, obsessively so! She could be so proud!

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6 thoughts on “Appreciation

  1. You look lovely 🙂 I’m glad that Miss Austen is helping you through at the moment, and that your faith in yourself is still shining bright. I hope that the good times start to outweigh the bad very soon xx

  2. It would be very difficult not to take being made redundant personally, so you shouldn’t be hard on yourself for how you feel about it. I used to sell stationery over the phone, years ago. I was bad at it, and I hated it, and I was looking for another job, so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise when I was sacked. But it really hurt, and I spent a fair few weeks feeling low and tender about it. It seems, from your blog at least, that you are dealing with this very well and with grace and sense too. And I’ll state the obvious here by reminding you that it says something about you that you HAVE, to use your words, proven your worth to those who are closely acquainted with you. So maybe at work they can’t see it or won’t see it, but others will. Mmmm, that didn’t come out as eloquently as I would have liked, but anyway.

    (As an irrelevant aside, I have been internet-less for the past few days due to a phone company cock-up so I couldn’t buy those Irregular Choice shoes, by the way. Gutted, too, because they were gorgeous!)

    • Boo hiss about the shoes!

      But thank you for your lovely (and eloquent, I thought!) words of encouragement. It’s horrible losing a job, particularly if you’re the kind of person who has pride in your work – whatever it may be – and it’s hard not to take personally. But I guess I just need to keep looking at it as an opportunity to move on. Ho hum!

      Looking forward to a gin at some point… 😀

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