I’m not feeling right at the moment. By the time I got to Dapper’s on Friday night I was feeling tired, stressed, cold, hormonal and emotional, and my mood refused to shift for the most part of the weekend. By yesterday he had cheered me somewhat, but within an hour of being on my own again last night the malady had returned, and I ended up tossing and turning until 2am, unable to drift off to sleep. When your alarm rings at 5.30am, 2am is far too late a bedtime!
On Saturday afternoon I went for a walk alone to try to shake the fog off. I sat beneath an oak tree and looked up through the canopy above me, searching for answers. What I saw was an enormous broken branch, balanced precariously and right above my head; my very own sword of Damocles. And I suddenly understood what has been hanging over me. There are issues at play in my life that I thought I’d dealt with long ago, but that are actually far deeper rooted than I care to admit. And I’m not yet sure how to overcome them. I only know that I can’t let them win.
Unfortunately, recognising the issues doesn’t put them to rest – the scars are still there, the wounds threaten to reopen at a moment’s notice and doubt creeps into my waking hours. I have so much to relearn about trust and love and I don’t know how to start the process. In truth, it terrifies me to contemplate the vulnerability of an open heart, and I believed I had built up fortifications enough to protect myself. But it seems these things are not actually in our hands – walls crumble, fences rot, and defences fall to ruin the moment your back is turned. Some things can’t be protected.
So, I suppose I’ll do what everyone does, and struggle onwards, feeling my way in the dark. I’ll try to live with the uncertainty and fear, even on the nights it threatens to smother and choke me. I’ll take each day as it comes, and fight the urge to run screaming for the hills. I’ll be my own knight in shining armour, fight my own good fight.
I wish I could regain some of the naiivete of days past. Life was so much simpler before doubt wrapped his blackened tentacles around my heart.