Fight the good fight

I’m not feeling right at the moment. By the time I got to Dapper’s on Friday night I was feeling tired, stressed, cold, hormonal and emotional, and my mood refused to shift for the most part of the weekend. By yesterday he had cheered me somewhat, but within an hour of being on my own again last night the malady had returned, and I ended up tossing and turning until 2am, unable to drift off to sleep. When your alarm rings at 5.30am, 2am is far too late a bedtime!

On Saturday afternoon I went for a walk alone to try to shake the fog off. I sat beneath an oak tree and looked up through the canopy above me, searching for answers. What I saw was an enormous broken branch, balanced precariously and right above my head; my very own sword of Damocles. And I suddenly understood what has been hanging over me. There are issues at play in my life that I thought I’d dealt with long ago, but that are actually far deeper rooted than I care to admit. And I’m not yet sure how to overcome them. I only know that I can’t let them win.

Unfortunately, recognising the issues doesn’t put them to rest – the scars are still there, the wounds threaten to reopen at a moment’s notice and doubt creeps into my waking hours. I have so much to relearn about trust and love and I don’t know how to start the process. In truth, it terrifies me to contemplate the vulnerability of an open heart, and I believed I had built up fortifications enough to protect myself. But it seems these things are not actually in our hands – walls crumble, fences rot, and defences fall to ruin the moment your back is turned. Some things can’t be protected.

So, I suppose I’ll do what everyone does, and struggle onwards, feeling my way in the dark. I’ll try to live with the uncertainty and fear, even on the nights it threatens to smother and choke me. I’ll take each day as it comes, and fight the urge to run screaming for the hills. I’ll be my own knight in shining armour, fight my own good fight.

I wish I could regain some of the naiivete of days past. Life was so much simpler before doubt wrapped his blackened tentacles around my heart.

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5 thoughts on “Fight the good fight

  1. Aww Cie … *sniff* Now see who’s making who cry!

    I think that whatever we experience and whatever we do, it makes us ready for the next big experience in our lives. Even if we don’t always feel ready, we are bigger, better and more able to cope with what comes knowing that we have survived what came before. And sometimes it means more when you’ve had to overcome the doubt and fear before opening your heart.

    I will be thinking of you lots and lots and looking forward to the day when you win your fight, open your heart and find the magic again.

    xxxxx

  2. It takes a hell of a lot of courage to express your vulnerabilities like this, lady. And still more to face up to them and work through them. Whatever life has thrown at you, you’re in an excellent position to deal with it.

    Luck, love and hugs to you for the battle xx

  3. I agree with Cat, it takes a lot of courage to be able to really look into yourself and see what your vulnerabilities are. It’s scary. It’s something I can relate to a little, for obviously different reasons. It helps that I’m getting some help with figuring out what my issues are, but this is obviously not for everyone. It is very positive to be able to see a link between your feelings and your behaviour, though, it’s definitely the first step to getting on with things. I’m always here if you want to talk about anything x

  4. One thing my ex-counsellor said to me was – we allow people to make us feel the way we do, nobody can make you feel anything. We can blame them, we can say they are the reason, we can run ourselves ragged thinking about how we let them do these things….but in reality we give ourselves the power to do it. At the time, I was genuinely, truthfully cross with her for telling me this, it wrecked so much of what I was dealing with at the time (actually totally unrelated to any relationship I was in, oddly enough!) but it is now something I come back to again and again and again. It can apply to any relationship, but that doesn’t make it any easier to remember and apply.

    Above all; time. When it comes to matters of the heart, there’s no such thing as too long, too short, too little, too much. Be careful with yourself and your feelings.

    I feel very American after typing all that!

    (You know the rules to the point where I barely need to say it – I’m always here if you need)

    xxxx

  5. Always here for you hun, and kudos for recognising things and dealing with them. It is only if we deny these things that we can’t do anything about them, and if you know they are there then you know you can fix them.

    Love always xxx

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