I’m really struggling at the moment. I’m finding myself in a constant state of exhaustion, but when I take myself to bed at night I can’t sleep. I spend the days feeling like a zombie, going through the motions of work, trying to keep my eyes from closing at my desk… then at night I go to bed and read until my eyelids begin to droop. I turn off the lights and BAM I’m wide awake. I lie there, listening to the church on the corner chiming every hour – 11, 12, 1, 2… I’ve usually dropped off by 3am, granted, but with 5.30am starts that’s just not a viable sleep pattern.
The stupid thing is that I can sleep in the afternoon, no problem. I could sleep in in the morning given the chance. And I sleep at Dapper’s like a baby. It’s just weekday nights that seem to give me that mental block. I’ve always been a night owl, granted, but usually if I’m tired enough nothing on God’s green earth can keep me awake.
I’m also experiencing traumatic dreams when I do drop off. Last night I fell asleep not long after the bell chimed one. At 2am I was pinned to my bed, terrified out of my wits, barely able to move. I’ve been suffering dreams of a similar nature quite frequently, in which I am scared half to death but not of anything tangible. I wake in the same state, unable to turn over, even, for fear of this unseen threat that surrounds me. Something is obviously playing on my subconscious mind, revealing itself (or not!) through nightmares.
I don’t like feeling out of control of my emotions (although I fear that the unseen threat might relate to my feeling a loss of control over much of my life of late – and not all in a negative way, either) and being unable to properly identify the issue here is driving me to distraction. I think I might need to sit down with a big sheet of paper and some felt tip pens, and work through what’s going on with me sometime very soon. If I can find the time to spend on myself, that is…