Troubled mind

If I look half asleep that’s beacuse I had been awake exactly 6 minutes when I took these. There are still pillow creases on my cheek. I am getting reassuringly good at getting up and out of the door in under 10 minutes!

So today didn’t start well. I had another restless night of disturbing dreams, waking on multiple occasions unsure where I was or who or what was in the room with me (no-one and nothing, for the record). My last dream before waking was a real humdinger, involving my joining a secret “society” with both religious and political beliefs far removed from my own, and included such themes as the importance of tidying up after myself, the making and remaking of my single-cell bed, the throwing out of all my belongings ready to start anew and a horrible argument with my Mum about the fact that I couldn’t go see my Gran on the 6th April as I already had plans. (And yes, I know some of you will have a field day analysing that one! I am – if you’ll excuse the pun – a Freudian dream!)

I’m not sure what relevance the 6th April has, but for the record, my Gran died in 1998, and I spent every weekend with her from 18 months old to 18 years. This was the cause of a great many arguments in the household, as she monopolised my time. It was also the cause, sadly, of my eventually going to counselling, as it put a hold on any social life I might have developed as I entered my early teenage years. The counselling taught me to stand up to my Gran, but tipped the granddaughter-grandmother balance completely out of whack as I went a bit giddy with my new-found power. It was a difficult thing to get right, and I don’t think we’d quite managed to hit the middleground still when she passed – something that has always weighed on my mind.

Between this and my experiences as a daughter of divorcees, you’d think I’d be well versed in balancing my time between people, but I’m still useless at it. As something that has been brought to my attention of late, it’s clear to see where this element of the dream has emerged from…

But I suppose most obviously, memories of my Gran have been stirred by the sad loss of my Gramps last weekend. I will remember Gramps as jolly: laughing, round, bearded, and a beloved Father Christmas to numerous children each year. He’ll be missed by many.

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5 thoughts on “Troubled mind

  1. Aw sorry for your loss. It’s odd the way your mind works, especially at times of bereavement. Take care, and I hope you get some better sleep. Have you tried Dr. Stuarts Valerian Tea? I find that helpful. xx

  2. Honey, I am so sorry for your loss. Louise is right that bereavement can stir up lots of feelings in the unconscious mind. I know I keep going on about it, but try to go easy on yourself, or as easy on yourself as you can. And don’t forget that you never need a reason to stop by for a cup of tea or whatever xxx

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