I had an odd day today. I didn’t feel 100%, but then, neither did I feel ill exactly – just at odds with myself. It occasionally happens in September, as we approach my birthday and I start to feel a bit panicked and unsettled for no real reason. But I think it also relates to some pretty big decisions I’m facing, and the calculated risks I’m trying to find the courage to take.
My dreams have been very vivid of late, and are disturbing my sleep. There is a real sense of nostalgia running through them, with people and places from my childhood, some long passed, regularly showing up. There’s an underlying theme of “place” too – often my dreams are of living with Dapper, but often we are living (quite happily, given the circumstances!) in castle or church ruins. I wake from these dreams completely uncertain of where I am and where Dapper is – in truth, the only decent night’s sleep I’m managing are at his on the weekend, when I awake feeling certain of everything!
But even then, some very strange visions cloud my unconscious hours. This weekend I dreamed I pulled a stalk from my mouth only to find I had been eating foxgloves – a poisonous flower I associate closely with childhood dangers. In an unconnected dream we were trying to climb a mountain and had to cross a river. Dapper plunged in and announced we’d have to swim for it – there was no other way. I walked up the river bank a few paces and chose instead to cross at the stepping stones a little further up, whilst Dapper – who doesn’t particularly like to swim in the first place – fought against the current.
When I study the recurrent motifs, it becomes apparent that the underlying connection is a sense of fear. This is not the fear of nightmares, but of change, not of monsters, but of taking the wrong path. And of allowing myself to lean or be lead, however lightly or for however short a time, on someone other than myself. Which is always a scary prospect!
It comes down to this: I know the reasons behind my unsettled dreams. I understand the roots of my emotions. I recognise the illogical nature of my throughts and reactions. But what I can’t get to grips with is how to overcome them. Because at the end of the day, for all that my concerns need an outlet, I need a jolly good night’s sleep!